Hello, hello, hello!
It’s been too long. But I’ve been in a massive rut and I don’t really think I’m out of it yet. But I think I’m getting there…
I’m doing without the 500 words of writing today, and going back to a plain old blog post. My writing excerpts wll undoubtedly be back, just not today. Today I just need to brainstorm and write my thoughts out.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what I’m doing (or evidently not doing – it’s been nigh on a month since my last post!). I’ve thought a lot about my life and writing and if it’s the right path for me. I love writing, and after a lot of hard thinking and doubting and stress, I’ve decided that it is what I want to do. I love it. But I come up with all these ideas and I never do anything with them. I might make a blog post or two, tell myself I’ll work on it, and never do. It’s disappointing and it puts me off, quite frankly. This blog is great; it helps me get my thoughts out there and everything, but I’m finding myself stressing out because I haven’t made a post in weeks and I have nothing to write about, so I end up forcing myself to write something, which is horrid. I should write because I love it, not because I feel I have an obligation to do it.
Therefore, I’m not going to worry about it anymore. If I don’t put a blog post up in a few weeks, so be it. If anyone is still following this blog at this point, you’re used to it anyway! So fuck it. I’ve always said, this blog is primarily for me. I love that there are regulars that follow it, and I love seeing new people on here or my Twitter; it makes me feel less alone. Nevertheless, this blog is documentation for my own sake.
So, today I decided to revisit the first draft of the only novel I’ve written. It’s not where I started as I writer, but it’s one of my proudest achievements, despite how garbage it is. It’s a little over 50,000 words – the longest piece I’ve ever written – and I wrote it for NaNoWriMo in 2012. I’ve mentioned it before. I’ve even mentioned revisiting it before, but I’ve actually started on it already. Before, it was a nice idea but I never did it; now, I’m doing it before even thinking about it. This novel, or idea or scrap or draft or whatever you want to call it (because let’s be real, it’s far from a novel) was the most work I have ever put into my writing. It made me happy and it infuriated me and it made me love and hate writing within the space of seconds. I was seventeen when I wrote it. I wrote it in a month. It’s not good, but no first draft ever is. I tried editing it in early 2013, and because I had no idea what I was doing, I gave up. And then I tragically lost all of my notes and research and world-building when my laptop broke and I doubly gave up.
I’ve not touched it in a good four years. But I think now is the time where I need to go back. I need to go right back to basics and revisit that joy and achievement. I’m not expecting to get a novel out of it any more than you can expect to get blood from a stone, but I’m hoping it’ll reignite that spark inside of me that made me love writing. I want to love it again. I want to feel proud and accomplished and productive. I want to write for the joy of writing again, not because I have to. I have anther month and a half until uni starts back up, so I have all this free time. I hate forcing myself to write, so I’m taking a huge step back.
I’ll revisit my successes and see where it leads me. And if I don’t make a post on here for another month, so be it. When I come back, I want to come back loving the game again, not forcing myself into it.
Until next time, then!