Hey, guys. So, it’s been a few weeks since I last posted. A lot has been goign on recently. I had a bitch of an assignment, a short stint in the hospital for my wisdom teeth, illness, work, Christmas shopping; it’s been mad. But I’m back now, and I’ve decided that I’m going to change this blog up a little bit.
All I’ve been doing is updates nearly every other day (except recently) about my writing life, and to tell you the truth, not a lot has been going on in my writing life. I’ve written barey a thing that hasn’t been for an assignment recently. So I’m going to change that. I want this blog to not only update you and remind me of what I’m working on, but I want it showcase some of it, too. So, I’ve decided that I want to write 500 words a day (or every other day) and post them here. It might be thoughts, it might be a small excerpt from a story I’m working on; it could be anything, but I want to show the world, and myself, that I actually am writing, not just talking about writing. I want to preface each small piece with a bit of an explanation (if it’s necessary). Who knows? If I post enough, I might actually end up inspiring myself. We might end up with a novel in 500 posts time!
Today’s posting and the first (well, second… I did show a bit of my writing a few posts ago) is very personal to me. It was simultaneiously very easy and very hard to write. All I did was sit down and begin typing, and this is what came out, but it’s more than just a quick free writing session. I’m sure you’ll see why. Here it is.
Fear and anxiety are synonymous in the dictionary; at least, they are when you Google them. But I disagree. Fear is when you get scared; you can fear dogs and snakes and school and people, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you get anxious over them. I have a fear of clowns, but they’re easy to avoid. People are easy to avoid. School is a hard one, but school is hard so it’s logical to fear it. Except maybe you are anxious about school? You get that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you wake up and you start shaking. You feel physically sick as you’re walking up the hill and you have to stop to catch your breath because the fear is so strong. Fear is knowing what you’re afraid of. Anxiety is fear of fear itself. I have no fear of work; I like working. But every day that I get up and have a shift, I get that same feeling that I did when I was in school; the sweating, the shaking, the unadulterated pain in my chest and head that is like someone has hooked me with a fishing pole and is forcefully pulling me back, to stay at home, to stay in bed, to call in sick. I get that sickness in my stomach that is telling me that I can’t go in today because I’m ill. But, if I stayed at home, in bed, called in sick, there’s that fear that I’m going to be fired, that I’m useless and weak. I was nearly fired from my job because of illness, because of my anxiety made me ill. If I see a spider, I don’t catastrophise about it; I kill it or throw it outside and move on with my day. I can’t kill work. I can’t kill the voices in my head telling me that I’m weak if I stay home one more day. I can’t kill every instinct inside myself that is pulling me back. Fearing something is simple; you just have to stay away from it. Having anxiety is hard. There’s a bungee cord attached to you and a brick wall, and try hard as you might to walk forwards, eventually, you’re going to come spiralling back, crashing against that brick wall. And the further forward you go, the more it’s going to hurt. I haven’t found a way, yet, to reach behind myself and unhook that god forsaken bungee cord from my back. I don’t know if I ever will be able to. But I’ve come so far and it’s getting harder and harder to take steps forward; I’m starting to slip and soon enough I’ll be crashing against that brick wall, springing backwards. That’s what I fear; fear itself. I fear that, soon, I’m going to be wrenched backwards against my will, that I’ll crash against that wall and I’ll be left broken. Again. And I don’t know if I can make it back to where I am.